How to Retire Without Having to Sell Your Organs on eBay

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Everyone dreams of retirement. Palm trees. Grandkids. Golf clubs. But somewhere along the way, reality barges in with a credit card bill and a retirement account that looks suspiciously like a checking account with delusions of grandeur.

Turns out, a lot of people have a “strategy” for retirement that makes wishful thinking look like rocket science.

Step One: Stop Pretending the Math Will Do Itself

Planning for retirement requires… planning. Wild concept, right? Yet plenty of folks are convinced they can just wing it and somehow the numbers will magically work out.

The strategy seems to be: spend first, invest later, hope the stock market adopts you like a stray puppy.

Spoiler: that’s not happening.

Investing Doesn’t Mean Playing Hero

People love to think the only path to financial freedom is through some heroic stock pick. Like you just need the courage to buy (AMZN) at the right moment and bam, beachfront property.

But the truth? Most investors blow themselves up not by choosing the wrong stock - but by panicking at the wrong time, chasing fads, or refusing to diversify because “this one can’t lose.”

Sure it can. Ask anyone who bought @WEWKQ at the top.

A Brief Love Letter to Boring Investing

Boring investing works. Seriously. Dollar-cost averaging into low-cost ETFs like (VOO) , (IVV) , (SCHX) , (VTI) , or (QQQ) isn’t flashy. No one brags about buying index funds at parties.

But you know what else isn’t flashy? Retiring broke.

Even the giant names - (AAPL) , (MSFT) , (NVDA) , (META) , (TSLA) , (GOOGL) - turned into monsters of the market not because people traded them like baseball cards, but because long-term holders stayed put while everyone else sold the dip, bought back higher, and repeated until broke.

Inflation: The Retirement Tax Nobody Asked For

Nothing warms the soul like watching the national debt cross $34 trillion while eggs double in price and interest rates make mortgages cry. At least your savings account finally earns something, so we’ve got that going for us.

DIY Retirement Plans: Why Are You Like This?

Some folks treat retirement planning like assembling IKEA furniture: no instructions, missing screws, and a growing sense of dread.

“Tax planning? Diversification? I’ll figure it out later.”

Yeah, sure you will.

When in Doubt, Automate It

Look, if the thought of researching balance sheets makes you break out in hives, keep it simple:

1. Automate contributions.
2. Buy the low-cost index fund.
3. Touch nothing.

That’s it. Don’t log in every time CNBC says “crash.” Don’t swap everything into crypto because your cousin got lucky on Dogecoin. Just keep buying, no matter what the headlines scream.

Will it make you rich overnight? No. But you’ll likely retire far ahead of the guy who spent 20 years “waiting for the right time to get in.”

The Real Retirement Flex

The people who win aren’t the ones bragging about some wild stock pick - they’re the ones sitting on decades of compound growth because they didn’t sell at every shiny distraction.

You don’t have to be brilliant. You just have to be boring.

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This article was compiled by my assistant. If there are any mistakes, blame him - I certainly will.